cupid makes me paranoid

For  those  who  know  me  know  me ,  you  are  entitled  to  read  this  if  you  do  not  really  know  me,  just  go  with  the  flow. 1^st  and  foremost  am  tired  of  lying  to  myself  every  now  and  then. <—– back  to  my  first  sentence  maybe  for  those  who  do  not  know  me  you  might  have  the  same  story. *scratch  that ,  snapping  my  fingers  till  heaven*   emotions  are  taking  over  my  life. There is no way I can prevent it. even  though  I hid  myself  believe  you  me   I  will  be  lying  to  myself.

Let  me  brief  you about  my  dramatic  life  this  will  take  30  seconds. I shall be very brief. “I can as well get my 15 seconds of fame.” am  a  type of  girl  who  is  upright  has  good  personality  and  all  that. (allow  my  ego  to  do  the  talking)  people  around  my  society  tend  to  expect  much  from  me  forgetting  that  though  I  might  be  this  good  beautiful upright  high moral  standard   girl  I  am  not  prone  to  the  world  desires  but  hey  I can  CONTROL  MY  SELF. I  do  hope  that  we  are in the  same page  and  you  can  see  where  I  am  coming  from. (kindly  reserve  your  comments  on  the  comment  box  or  just  text  me  on  this number  555-678) Story  of  my  life  is  “  I  have  been  in  love  for  nearly  1  year  but  my  mind  has  totally  refused  that  idea  *yikes  I  just  did  not  say  that *

LOVE  JUST  KEEPS  KNOCKING  ME  OVER  AND  OVER  AND  AM  TIRED   OF  PRETENDING  THAT  AM  OKAY! YES  I  HAVE  SAID  IT  I  AM  IN  LOVE. LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.:(

Every time  I  fight  with  cupid  he  slaps me  so  hard  therefore  I  surrender . I  have  always  had  this  fantasy  of  a boy  loves  girl ,  girl  loves  boys,  they  meet  become  friends,  date ,  get  into  a  relationship ,  fight  smile  together,  marry ,  have  kids , grow old  , die  same  old  story. Unfortunately  in  this  time  and  age  having  such  a  thought   would  be  living  in  ignorance. But  I am  not living  in  ignorance  *snapping  my  fingers  till  the  garden  of  Eden*

So  back  to  my  story ,  I  fell  in  love  with  two  boys…  lets  me  call  them  men  I  might  be  lynched  if I  call  mature  “men”  boys . for  privacy  purpose  let’s  call  them  A*  and  Z*. By  me  giving  them  such  names  you  can  tell  how  far  apart  they  are  from  each  other.

I once  met  z*  in  one of  the  social  joints  around  town  and  deep  down  I  felt  a  deep  connection. It  was as  though  I  knew  him  for  a  long  time. Whenever   I saw  him  I got  so  excited  and  all  mushy  . You get the drift. We  had  time  for  each  other ,  sometimes  we  would  share  our  fantasies  together. Deep  down  I  really  wanted  to be  his  girl  but  I  was  afraid  of  what  answer  I  would  get  afterwards. Let  me  take  you  back  to  the  1^st  sentence  ,  if  you  know me  well  I   kind of talk  bitchy  about  men  not  cause  I  want  to  but  there  is  a story  behind  every  girl. (Story for another day) I  was  so  deeply  in  love  with  him  to  a point  I  started  opening  up  to  him. He was always there for me. Whenever  I  needed  a  shoulder  to  lean  on  he  was there  for me. Unfortunately  this  did  not  last ,  communication  broke  and  everything  disappeared . not  that  he  or  I  dumped  each other  just  something  was  not  right  . He was an outreached fantasy. He  had  things  to  settle  and  I  was  not  ready  for  a  relationship .

Man  A *  This  is  one  kind  of  man,  every  lady  would  want  to  have,  he  is sex  on  legs ,  he  got  everything  you  would  want  in  a  boyfriend  or  a  husband. For  all  ladies who  would  want  to  have  a  man  who  helps  you  in  the  kitchen  and  who  occasionally  cooks  for  you. This  is  the man  I  would advise  you  to  be  with. He makes me happy. I have known him since childhood. We have had our moments and our difficulties. Every time I  look  at  the  man  I  get  the  chills . despite  the  fact  that  I  keep  ignoring  him ,  I  end  up  fighting  back. It is of no use CUPID I SURRENDER. Despite  the  fact  I  love  him ,  I  would  not  think  twice  of  being  his  girl . my  mind  says   do not  make  the  step,  my  heart  says  give  it  a  try  but  my  subconscious   side  tells  me  you  are  not  ready  for  a  relationship. So with 3 choices what choice should I take? 

Despite  all  this  that  have  happened  whenever  I  am about  to  enter  into  a  relationship  I  kind  of  feel  paranoid . 2^nd  thing  whenever  a boy/man  says  he  has  something  to  sort  out  I do  not  look  back I  run  and  fall  in  love  with  myself . 3^rd  if  a  man  wants  you  but  he  still  talks  to  his  ex   your  relationship  with  him  will  never  work. He  still  has  feelings for  his  ex  especially  when  he  has  saved  his  EX  as  beautiful  in  his  phone book.

Sometimes  cupid  comes  at  the  wrong  time  sometimes  too  late  sometimes  too  early. Make the right choice. The  choice  you  pick  today  will follow  you  for  the  rest  of  your  life. You can never choose not to fall in love. It automatically happens. But  before  you  give  your  heart  out  to  someone  think  twice,  how  will  he  react  when  you make  a  mess,  what  would  happen  if  wronged  him/her. Would  he/she  love  you  more  or  his  love  would  fade.

That’s  why  in  my  case  I still  adore  A &Z  reason  best  known  by  my  heart. It’s amazing how fast friendships and relationships can go to shit. People will throw away so many years in one single day. Stop running around in circles holding on to the same idea… feeling like down a spiral at times…? Step back look at it with new eyes, listen… there might be another way.” Dreams are the fabric of our lives” and there is a lot of truth in that. Having the endurance to pursue your dream until fruition takes determination. Some goals are worth chasing if you only believe. It is the waiting and the times where you don’t experience progress or some advancement that can cause you to lose hope. If the dream is worth it and the prize highly treasured, you have something that will drive you on and on… People without dreams, without hope, those that just exist are those of which it can be said they have died early in life but were not buried for many decades. Believe and you will get there!!

 

some times  love just aint worth fighting for some  times   it just hurts less to layback n watch it slip through your fingers